The Boys & Me

5:30am Alarm

Picture Day for Dane. 

I work through lunch and leave work early for a parent conference with Dylan's teacher, counselor and Principal. I'm told Dylan has a lot of potential and they all want to work together to help Dylan reach his potential. I am given a list of behaviors that are undesirable. 1) picks at skin and scabs until he bleeds 2) thinks its funny that he is strong-willed 3) avoids work all day 4) intentionally looks for ways to create a confrontation.

I begin my new work out regime for the weight loss competition.

Somewhat of a normal day. 

I manage 15 minutes on the treadmill and realize dang I'm out of shape.

I work through lunch so I can leave for Dylan's first therapy appointment with a new professional offering expertise to help us through what feels like our personal family crisis. I tell him he is our last hope and hand him a list of concerns for his file.  Forty five minutes later I realize he is not capable of helping us since he can't get past the assumptions he made before we walked in. We decide to cancel all future appointments.  

I make it 30 minutes on the treadmill.

I work through lunch again because I left to go for an annual check up with my doctor. I fight to gain control over my emotions while I wait an hour before seeing the doctor. Memories flood my soul as I sit in the waiting room where I sat full of hope and happiness nearly three years ago.  Happiness turned to fear and anxiety which later moved on to despair and agony. I see pregnant women full of hope for the life they grow.  I want to live in my bubble again. The bubble before I had children. The bubble when my first two sons were small and I could dream a fine future for them. I think back on when my bubble began leaking when Dylan was two years old and it finally burst on May 23, 2008. I live bubble free now. 

I work later than usual so Randy picks up the boys after school. Randy calls while I try to wrap things up at work to tell me he and the Principal were looking for Dylan and by the way he is suspended tomorrow.  I try to concentrate on work so I can leave while praying they find Dylan and pleading with God that the school doesn't have to call the police again.  I can breathe when Randy calls back to say Dylan was in a tree reading close by to where he was supposed to be waiting.

I make it 40 minutes on the treadmill easily. 

Dylan stays home all day due to his one day suspension for bringing in a live grasshopper after recess and disrupting the class with it.  I don't recall seeing class disruption in the discipline policy as an offense worthy of suspension. I regret telling the Principal that as a last resort I would consider homeschooling. 

I google ODD and many other childhood and adult conditions attempting to find my own therapy plan. I order the Total Transformation Program. 

I pour a class of wine and eat some food that is not on my weight loss plan. I do not exercise. I fall into a depressed state full of hopelessness. 

We give Dylan a different medication for his ADHD.

Randy takes the boys to their bowling league. I turn up Kelly Clarkson on the stereo and start cleaning. Only Kelly gets me. I finish three hours later when Randy and the boys arrive home. I close myself off in my room and read Get Out of the Pit by Beth Moore. 

We take the boys to the mall and dinner. We buy our Halloween costumes.

I go to bed knowing we all had a good day. 

I focus on my craft fair projects and avoid church. 

We walk at the trail as a family and enjoy ourselves. I come home and walk again on the treadmill making my exercise a 3 mile walk.

I've only lost two pounds in week one. I don't give up.

We continue the altered medication for Dylan and Randy goes to school at lunch to check on the status and to bring additional medication. Dylan has had a better day so far.  He tells his teacher he wasn't going to do his second math sheet so he could save a tree.

We walk at the trail after dinner. I'm blogging. Randy pours us some wine and I am anxious for our meeting with Dylan's psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon. 

I'm singing Mad World (by Adam Lambert) in my head.